I have realized something about what happens after I have a particularly good experience in Krishna consciousness.
By a “good experience,” I mean that I was truly present, felt a deep sense of shelter, felt as though Krishna had spoken to me through some realization, or experienced deep happiness and a prayerful mood.
Yesterday, my japa was very good, and Mangal-arati was also very beautiful. So now, as I am writing my journal, the mind is already saying:
“Great! Now finish this quickly and rush to Mangal-arati so that you can have that experience again.”
I am beginning to see what is behind this pushing. The mind wants to replicate yesterday’s experience today.
The mind doesn’t know any better. It doesn’t understand that today’s experience of Krishna is dependent upon Krishna’s causeless mercy. I cannot manufacture Krishna’s response.
I am responsible for what I bring to the conversation—my attention, my prayer, my mood, and my chosen thoughts. I am not responsible for manufacturing Krishna’s response. That part belongs to Him.
I now see how the mind cheats me by subtly trying to control Krishna.
It tells me, “Yesterday you experienced Krishna at Mangal-arati, so hurry up and get there again.”
And in doing so, I miss Krishna in the present.
Right now, the present activity is journal writing. I can meet Krishna here. But the mind is pointing toward the experience I had yesterday and telling me that Krishna is waiting for me there.
Of course, Krishna is there. I am not contesting that. I should attend Mangal-arati. But it is wrong to assume that I have to deny Krishna now in order to find Krishna later.
Krishna is here too.
I cannot allow the mind to cheat me with an amazing future—even if that future is only five minutes away—at the cost of the real now, this very moment in which I can offer my prayers, my attention, and my heart to Krishna.
I have seen this pattern so many times before.
I may be engaged in one spiritual activity, and suddenly the mind says, “What about that?” What about Srimad Bhagavatam study? What about deity worship? What about chanting? What about the other service?
The mind keeps pulling me away from what is happening now.
It refuses to simply be present.
But I am grateful, Krishna, that You have revealed this to me now.
Thank You for this realization.
And now, Krishna, I am also experiencing some pain. Microsoft Word is not recognizing the autocorrect options I had created, and it is making me type everything again. I feel a loss of control. I feel angry that I have to redo everything.
It is interesting to watch the mind.
It wants things to happen its way. It wants answers. It wants control. It is angry with Microsoft Word, and it is also angry with me because I am not giving it what it wants. Instead, I am trying to turn toward Krishna and pray.
Perhaps this too is an opportunity to practice what I am writing about.
Krishna, please help me remember that You are here with me now.
I love You, Krishna, and I want to serve You and feel Your presence now.
Yes, I will go to the other activities. I will go to Mangal-arati. I will chant. I will study Srimad Bhagavatam. I will worship the Deities.
But when I go there, let me not compare yesterday with today and thereby lose You through intellectualization.
Let me simply seek truthful presence.
And then, let me not lose You again by hunting for an experience.
I don’t want to replace one form of distraction with another.
First I intellectualize: “What am I supposed to experience?”
Then I hunt for an experience: “Am I feeling Krishna? Is today’s japa as good as yesterday’s?”
Instead, Krishna, let me simply be present with You.
Let me seek truthful presence, not a particular experience.
The painful realization I am getting now is that the mind can turn yesterday’s mercy into today’s expectation
Yesterday’s beautiful experience was grace. But the mind immediately converts grace into a standard.
Yesterday:
“Krishna gave me something beautiful.”
Today the mind says:
“Krishna should give me that again.”
And something very subtle has happened -Gratitude has become expectation.
The experience that was originally a gift becomes something the mind feels entitled to repeat.
And this is a spiritual trap because it doesn’t look like maya. It looks like spiritual enthusiasm.
We can become attached not only to material pleasures, but also to spiritual experiences
I want none of this; I only want Krishna. Let this be my prayer today. Thank You Krishna for this Journal today.
Krishna, please help me. I want to be with You whether I feel Your love today or not. I want to keep coming back to You. I want to choose You over maya. Even when I don’t feel anything special or when the mind is restless. Or, when I am disappointed or when I don’t get the experience I wanted; in all situations I want to keep choosing You.
I love You, Krishna. And I want you more than the happiness of being with you. And let this alone by my prayer today and always.
